When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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