please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
