I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This toilet bowl is my home.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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