As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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