so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
