she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
