I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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