pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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