I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
