I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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