there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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