she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Is Oprah even human
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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