Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
