It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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