Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
