he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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