Swine flu. Run for my life!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
