Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
