He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
