ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
