So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
