At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
