Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
