Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
