I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
