Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
