just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
