he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
