My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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