I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I did not marry a roomba.
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