the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
