His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
