i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
