wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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