I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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