It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
