Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
