i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
