its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
