this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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