pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
