Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
