remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
