i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wish my penis had a tongue
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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