Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
