Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
