she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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