don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i would punch a child for taco bell
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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