it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
