can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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