My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Randomize
