im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
