Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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