I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
