I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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