You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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