I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
